Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
