So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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