She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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