i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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