how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We have started to decorate penises.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
