I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
