I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
