Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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