some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
