NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
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I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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