i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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