HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
