seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
