When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
