woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
