Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
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He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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