My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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