I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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