She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
