i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
