sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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