Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize