If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have already put on my inside pants.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
