God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
