why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
