nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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