go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
