Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He kissed a someone with a penis
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
