My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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