I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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