nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
