apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
