My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
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You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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