There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
