I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
