Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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