all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
