mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
