you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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