Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
