Kiss
Puke
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
