Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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