The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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