I'm so fucking centered right now
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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