i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
