You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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