did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize