I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We have started to decorate penises.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
