im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
