Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
