:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
