By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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