bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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