I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the day after is always just damage control
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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